dalekpatronus: (Pan's Labyrinth - Thoughtful)
All things considered today was a rather good day.

I didn't have much to do and I actually had plans to get some work done but I never started any of it.  Instead I slept most of the day and spent a majority of the rest of it just laying in bed and thinking.  Around six my mom called and needed me to fix something with her printer so I went, only to laze about a little more there.

It was nice not feeling like there was a shit ton of stuff to get done, like perhaps things really are beginning to even out for me.  I'm sure it's a little more shortlived than I would like to think, but in the end I'll get back to the point where I feel like there isn't much to worry over.  I did do my fair share of thinking, finally coming to the conclusion that I'm really not all that happy with the things that I'm doing right now.  It keeps coming up with my family, the question of when I'm going back to school, and I'm starting to wonder the same thing myself.  Then something occurred to me, a long overdue epiphany of sorts. 

Maybe the reason I haven't gone back is because I wasn't really doing what I wanted with school and I never had been, aside from the few times that I took courses that were fun.  I seem to recall when I first applied to the university, my first thought was musical theater.  I had always wanted to do that and it might be the ego talking, but I was always damn good at it too.  When I talked to my parents about it I remember getting a response that was slightly negative, though that may just be a manufactured memory.  So I settled on auditioning for shows and taking what theater classes I could.  When I was doing auditions and preparing songs for them, it didn't matter how many times I struck out to me.  What mattered was that I was doing something I loved.  I think I want to go back to that, to feel like I'm doing something that really is important to me.  Not to say that Asian studies isn't important or that I don't like it, but it's too difficult here.  Then again trying to really make something of myself in theater isn't exactly the easiest thing to do where I am.  I tried to bring this up to my mom tonight and I almost started crying while I was thinking about it, so everything I meant to say didn't really come out.  I think maybe I should take a little more time to consider what few options I might have regarding something like this, then maybe I'll try talking it out with someone again.  Maybe I'll even be able to make a decent conversation out of it...

Things like this really seem to be coming up with some frequency these days and I'm not entirely sure why.  I guess it really is time for me to start thinking seriously about this sort of stuff again.  I suppose there really is no better time than the present.  Really, there are so many things I want to think about but I don't really want to overload my brain right now.

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