For It's My Thoughts That Bind Me Here.

[dalekpatronus]

It's way too early for me to be awake. Truth be told there's been too much on my mind lately. Some shitty family stuff and other things. Some of you know what's been on my mind, some of you don't. Perhaps it's time to share a little bit. Maybe then I'll be able to get some sleep.

I was looking through some old middle school notes and early high school. I was an idiot. For all the praises that I sing about myself now, it saddens me to think that I was so stupid back then. And that I had worse handwriting than I realized...

That's not really my point, though.  Well, it is and it isn't.  I realized while I was reading these things that I was trying too hard to seem like an 'average' girl.  And by 'average' girl I mean writing down the names of guys that almost every other girl liked.

Jesus christ, I was a phony.  Other girls at that time would have written 'man, I want to fuck Manly McManpants'.  You know what I wrote? Get ready, this shit is FOR REAL:

'I lust after Manly McManpants.'

Looking at it from a certain viewpoint one could say that I was just being more 'eloquent' than my peers.  From my viewpoint now, I realize that I had no fucking clue what I was talking about.  Yes, I've had myself plenty of boyfriends but that didn't really mean anything the more that I think about it. Yes, many of you have heard me blabbing about 'wahh, so and so. my feelings for so and so.', but I realize now that was a cover for some feelings towards a certain person that I was finally able to admit (both to myself and to them).

I'm giving myself three minutes to finish this entry.  If I don't put a limit on it I think it's going to drag on forever, because this is a really hard entry for me.  Not because I can't admit certain things to myself, but it's just strange putting things into words that I should have been familiar with saying for years.

I'm pretty sure that I have zero interest in men (unless of course we're talking about David Bowie or Hugh Laurie. That's a completely different story...).  I think I've known that for a long time.  It was just easier to tell my family that I had a boyfriend than it was to say that I had a girlfriend, so I had a tendency to have more of those than the other.  Even as I write this now I can feel something tighten in my chest.  I mean for god's sake it was hard telling my best friend about this and I wasn't even that forward about it.
But I realized that after I told her I felt so much better.  I don't really like talking about myself, but I guess sometimes it has to be done.  I haven't really seriously talked about something like this with anyone, sure I've brought up the fact that I've dated girls but not really in depth. 

So I guess there's really only a few more things that I want to say.  I've also gone past my three minutes, but the hard part is over, I guess.

Yeah, I'm a lesbian.

There may be some of you out there that are rolling your eyes and muttering to yourselves, "WELL DUH, SONIA. I ALREADY KNEW THAT."

There may also be some of you staring at the screen thinking, "Hmmm.  I never would have guessed."

If you have something to say along those lines, then please, by all means leave a comment.  It would amuse me.

HOWEVER.

If you have anything rude to say about it, I don't want to hear it.  If it offends you in some way, tough shit.  I know most of you aren't like that, because if you were we probably wouldn't be friends in the first place.

Also.  If I ever groped you when I was drunk, don't freak out and think it was because I was 'interested'.  I promise, if I was truly interested I wouldn't be that forward.  I'm awkward and very clumsy when it comes to things like that, so don't think you have to guard yourself around me.

There.  I think that's really all that I had to say.  Now I'm going to try to sleep again.