dalekpatronus: (HIMYM ✪ THUG)
So I'm getting really tired of all these ragefits.

Suffice it to say I'm sick of the fucking mom logic and even more sick of the ever-present drama with Shawn and Stan.

Wish I gave a rat's ass about all that. bnr.

It wouldn't be so bad if in mom logic land I wasn't the bad guy no matter what I do. The Shawn and Stan bs wouldn't be as awful if my gd mom could talk about something other than that sometimes. It's like everything out of her mouth is either about that or about how someone fucked up somehow. All of a sudden we can't have silence while watching a show, there has to be random commentary about OH DID I TELL YOU WHAT SHAWN/STAN/YOUR DAD/YOU FUCKED UP TODAY?

At least work went by easily enough, save for the upset at lunch over the retarded mom logic vs date shit.

There's some other shit I'm pretty miffed about, but in the end I guess it doesn't matter. I really shouldn't have been surprised about the way things would turn out, despite my efforts.

I'm still coming down from the anger, by the time we get back into the room I'm probably going to be exhausted and clingy. But at least I won't feel like punching things anymore. I hope. I'll just be cuddly or something. IDEK.

[livejournal.com profile] heartaddiction, I love you. Thank you for putting up with all my rages and shitfits. You're so patient with me. ❤

dalekpatronus: (SEGEL ✪ SOMEONE LEFT THE CAKE OUT)
Long week was long. Not a bad thing but I can be glad that it's over, that's for sure.  Just one more week before the epic adventure, I'm getting antsy and trying to remember everything that needs to be done. I'm sure the weekend before I'll still be running around like a chicken with my head cut off, no matter how hard I try to make sure I'm prepared.

Today was productive at the very least and I managed to solve the mystery of my exhaustion. One affliction down, one to go. I'm getting that feeling again and slipping into old habits, I'm afraid there's not much to be done at this point and self-medication doesn't seem to be helping. I suppose I'll deal with it when it gets to be too much, I always do.

I drove for a few extra minutes on the way home so I could finish singing along with a song and remembered a time that I got lost on the way home when I was in elementary school.  I took a different way home because I wanted to walk past a house that always had kittens in front of it and ended up getting terribly lost. I never did find those cats that day, I think it made me sad. At any rate, there weren't any kittens out in front of that house tonight...it still made me a little sad. :| 
dalekpatronus: (PANDORAHEARTS ✪ Shit)
Seriously, just fuck today.

At this point I just want a fucking hug, to curl up and cry and then take a goddamn nap.

ETA

Today really was just fabbity fab fab fab. :| 

And by that I mean just supremely shitty.

Had it sprang on me right off the bat that I was supposed to be there at 8:15 instead of 8:30 this morning (and ultimately didn't make it in until 8:40 because I'm a tard and left my wallet so I had to go back) because she needed me to cover Denise's shift at the front desk. At least Cindy acknowledged that it was her error because she didn't call me to tell me. But still, manning the front desk on Monday is just bad in general be there because...I have 3-4 days worth of paperwork to catch up on. But I figure it's fine because after lunch I'll still have nearly four hours to catch up.

HAHA. WRONG! 

Not only did someone fuck up my morning by pretty much just...lying about me while I'm standing right there (saying that I made comments about the check I gave them and that I told one of the other managers not to write them one when they asked for it. seriously, wtf?), but then it got worse because the ramen bar girl called in. No problem until about 11:30 when people just...started sitting down and waiting. So who gets to handle that? Me, of course, having to run over there and cook for the three people waiting. Cindy told me to close right after them, but did that happen? HA. NO. Two more came up and I couldn't very well tell them NOT SERVING YOU because they already saw me serving the others and there's no sign posted at all. So ultimately I was stuck over there for an hour and a half cooking and washing dishes. At least I got a decent amount of tips out of it, though I have to wonder if that girl really meant to leave me all of her change. Eight dollars total, nicest haul I've gotten from over there, I guess.

Finally got to lunch a little after one and didn't even feel like eating because I was already upset, but I forced myself to do it anyway and subsequently made myself feel even more sick. I spent the remaining time at work at my desk and trying to clear all the paper off before I had to leave, but the waves of nausea PLUS the most monstrous cramps I've had in years kind of set me back a little. So basically, got SHIT accomplished today. I even forgot to stop at the bank on the way home and deposit the check my mom gave me.

At the very least, I didn't have to deal with any of the vendors on the phone that I was dreading dealing with so...that's good? 

And those tips. :|  yeah...that's pretty much it. I was basically so frustrated and fed up by the time I was at lunch that I really just sat at the table and stared at my food, trying not to cry before I finally shoved it all down. Still feel like I'm going to vomit, still feel likeI want to punch babies, but at least I'm home now and I have the option of taking a nap. HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH.

I seriously just feel stretched too thin when it comes to work these days. I keep getting reminded how important my job is by bossu waifu, but then I get pulled away to handle everyone else's shit. It's no wonder I'm still making mistakes and forgetting to keep up with my handful of orders that I do, I'm too busy covering everyone else's ass when they can't deliver. They really need to get in gear and start hiring some people so that I can actually start to like going to work in the mornings again.

Yeah...about that nap. I think I'm going to do that now. >:< 

EDITY EDIT EDIT

Hnnnngh. And that really just makes me feel worse. I should be well past it, but for some reason I really just can't let it go. Can't have a shitty day without a little vague thrown in. 
dalekpatronus: (HANAKIMI ✪ Gravity of Love)
I really hate dreams like that, the ones that should make me feel all happy and warm and squishy inside.  Sure that happy feeling is there for those first waking moments, but after lucidity kicks back in it's just a reminder of what I don't have or how impossible it might be to actually get it.

I know I'm being entirely too hopeful this time, but for some reason I can't bring myself to stop. It's funny, the way that there's never a happy medium. I either don't want it or I want it so much it hurts.

There was some thought on actually talking it out, but I'm still too much of a coward about it and it isn't as if that would even be a guarantee....

So as usual, I'll just take what I can get and try to be grateful for it, that's really the best way to handle this in the long run. 
dalekpatronus: (ALICE ✪ fuuuuuuu)
I told myself I wasn't going to dwell on it, but there's nothing quite like waking up and feeling like every fear or suspicion has been confirmed.  I really shouldn't let it get to me, it was bound to happen eventually and I really shouldn't be so shocked.

I think once I have something else to focus on I'll get over it.

For now I'll just be grateful there's at the very least that one person that brightens my day and seems to make everything worth it. There's usually more than that, of course, but if I can focus on one thing that's good maybe those bad feelings won't seem nearly as awful.
dalekpatronus: (VOCALOID ✪ ☆)
I love it when something small and possibly meaningless to someone else ends up making my day just that much brighter. 

I could probably go into more detail, but I would rather just enjoy this feeling while it lasts.  Even if it meant nothing it still managed to make me feel a little more hopeful about things in general, the boost really was needed...

Also, Sugar Pie, totally your fault that I felt compelled to find at least one icon because I couldn't contain my love for Gakupo's hair.

dalekpatronus: (ZOMBIELOAN ✪ Imma get you~)
Good to know that the cat didn't bust my wireless card when he knocked the spare laptop off the desk that time. I was beginning to wonder if maybe he had since I can't get the wireless to work at home at  all, I'll probably have to invest in a new wireless router in the end.  Not that it's all that important. The only reason I want it to work is so that I could sit in the den with my parents and be on the net at the same time.

I have papers just covered in notes, things that I wanted to talk about or thought were important at the time and now I just don't have the patience to remember it all. There are a few things that really stand out but even now I don't think I feel like making a totally in depth entry. All I really want right now is for them to finish up with my mom's knee so that I can take her home and get a nap in.  They just barely took her back a little while ago, so I've probably got at least another hour of sitting around in this completely uncomfortable chair.

I'm glad to say that I'm feeling a considerable amount better than I was the other day.  The headache finally went away and I was able to calm down some.  Sunday was another crappy day, I think, but it wasn't nearly as bad as Saturday.  I can still feel all of it rolling around in the back of my head though, the urge to just jab a fork into someone's eye. Or something equally violent.  On top of the rage there's been plenty of other thoughts going through my mind, none that I haven't had to deal with before. Just things that keep coming and coming and coming, I think at this point I don't ever expect them to go away. The other day I agreed with someone about something, but the more I think about it I'm not sure I should have passed any sort of judgment. Not when I'm just as bad.

I think maybe I'll play a game.
dalekpatronus: (AKIO - Discard all feelings~)
Bah.

It seems that the emo is everywhere, must be something in the water. Or the air.

Pain, I'm in a considerable amount of it.

Coincidences, they make me think that I'm living someone else's life only steps behind them.

Concerns, most of them will be kept to myself because I don't want to be brushed off again.

Cranky?  You bet I am, but I blame that on the massive amount of prescription strength ibuprofen that's been consumed in the last three days.  Perhaps the other health issues that are popping up might have something to do with that as well.  There was talk of going back to the doctor to ask if it was possible to get a prescription for something stronger that would actually help with the pain, but then the realization that it would probably mean going into physical therapy again.  No thanks, I'd rather to continue suffering for the time being.

And now I'm going to pretend like I can sleep, big things to do tomorrow.

ETA.

800 entries. Yay.

Or something.

dalekpatronus: (HIMYM - 'SUP?)
Despite the fact that there were a few bumps here and there I have to say that this past weekend was one of the best that I've had in a while.  I actually feel a little hopeful about certain things, but not overly so.  In the end that came from having a decent conversation with someone about things that actually mattered, talking about things of importance and going a little more in depth about them than I normally would.  There's a few other things too, but focus really fails me and I'm not sure that I would actually be able to convey everything that I hoped to.

Perhaps tomorrow if the need is really that great.

Which it probably won't be seeing as the second I lay down I'll be trying to put everything onto paper as well. I think I'm a little too lazy to do both.
dalekpatronus: (ToA - Not Amused)
There are few things that I hate more than being sick.

What's worse than laying around and feeling miserable?  Laying around a feeling miserable because something hits you in a strange way.  I hate it even more when it happens with something that really seems like it shouldn't hit you on anything that resembles a deeper level.  Right now I'm going to leave it at that and blame the fact that I'm sick and ridiculously bored.

One could be remedied, I'm sure, but it's a matter of finding the motivation and whether I feel like sitting up or not. At the moment that bed is looking awfully comfortable again, so I think that's going to to win without much of a fight.

[EDIT]

I just went to the grocery store and bought food for a week, three large bottles of Sunny D and a six pack of bottled water.

All for under seven dollars.

Fuck yes.  That was the most AWESOME trip to the store ever!

And also the highlight of my day.
dalekpatronus: (Mulder - Say huh...?)
TIME FOR A LIST!!!

STEP ONE: Panic.
STEP TWO: Make contact.
STEP THREE: Wait.
STEP FOUR: Determine a course of action based on response or lack thereof.
RESULT: Mission failure. Further attempts to be made at a later date.

At least I have control over my hands and I don't feel like my body is going to rattle apart because of nerves. We'll see how I'm doing later though, I have a feeling that one way or another it's all going to come right back.

In other news I ate some really awesome nachos and it's freezing in my mom's house. Though I'm inclined to believe that I might be the only one feeling it because no one else really seems to be complaining. Now it's time to do another word search~!
dalekpatronus: (SE - DEFEAT)
skljfskdjdsf

Sleeping soundly and then coughing fit! DX

Today felt terribly long and I wasn't able to focus worth shit.  I'm damn lucky I actually finished the project I was given at work.  I think a majority of it was the fact that I was preoccupied all day, wrestling with the idea of doing something.  In the end I decided it was better to just leave things as they were tonight.  It's something that needs to be handled before I work on Tuesday, which doesn't really give me much time.  I have a feeling that tomorrow night would be best, it's just a matter of motivating myself to put a plan into action.  Even now as I sit here and think about it all I can feel my chest tightening up and I can already tell that I'll be looking for a million reasons not to blahblahblah.

But at the same time I know I don't want another day like today.

It's times like this I realize just how much of a coward I can be.  

Balls. :|
dalekpatronus: (HIMYM - WTF)
Choking because you've just laughed too hard is not all that great.

Completely unrelated, but I've just had one of those moments where something hits you.  It's always interesting to think over the possibility that changing one thing could impact the outcome situations so drastically.  I guess it was time for one of those really thoughtful nights, wondering if something I said or did completely changed how something would have otherwise turned out...

More importantly and even farther from the topic, my hair feels absolutely amazing right now.

dalekpatronus: (SE - DEFEAT)
It's like my fucking horoscope is trying to TAUNT me.

I guess today is as good as any to start asking question and say all the things that I want.  Now it's just a matter of deciding who to start with and exactly what there is to be said...
dalekpatronus: (Bleach - Inside Lookin' Out)
FFFFFFFFFFF.

I thought today was better, I was wrong~. \o/

Stuff and things and stuff and things.  Every time I turn around there's something~ something~. 

That sounds awfully good right now. Too bad it's not this, then there wouldn't be an issue. Nevertheless, I'm still laughing.  Progress? Perhaps. Perhaps it's all just part of the steady decliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Tomorrow: TO THE BANK. TO THE MOMMY'S. 

Right Now: TO THE BED. TO THE SLEEP.

Dear sweet lord I love entries like these.  Too bad, so sad, I'm only after entertainment.  Not yours, of course. Just mine.

Thanks, thanks, thanks. They are few and far between, but they're in order. You know who you are and if you have to question it, then perhaps they haven't been earned yet.


dalekpatronus: (AKIO - Whisper whisper~ ♥)
Start application...

Y/N? _


So much to say and nowhere near enough words to say it. I'm feeling ridiculously apathetic to everything and blah blah blah vague vague vague shit cock erection penis penis penis. Really, I love being able to put it into such simple terms.

Brain, that was uncomfortable. Don't let it happen again.


Now that we have all that clear, I'm going back to bed.
dalekpatronus: (SSRUNE - ROBIN IS FABULOUS)
Fuuuuuuuuu~.  Running on an hour of sleep, not that I'm terribly surprised with as riled as I've been for the last few days.

I've been meaning to make a real entry for days but never really got around to it.  There hasn't really been anything all that interesting going on, just a few things here and there. Some a little more serious than others and some that are just so retarded that they really aren't worth mentioning.

At work today and then I have to do it again next week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. Thankfully today seems relatively slow, I think so far I can count on one hand the number of people that I've had to help.  I meant to bring my brace with me when I left, but I forgot. And the painkillers too. I can't believe that I forgot those. So much furious typing done in the past few days that I actually managed to rub a sore spot on my wrist~.  It's so sore that I can't even rest it against the desk without wincing some, but I'll survive. Maybe I'll see if they still have that ibuprofen in the back office. They pulled out some movies that someone sold and I found a few that I wanted. Some that just looked interesting and others that I knew I loved. Cheap movies are so made of win. \o/

There's been some stuff on my mind, but not really anything that I can put into words. I think I got over my initial freak out over it so all should be well. We'll see how the next few days go and if I can keep everything under control. I'm pretty sure that I can, but I suppose in the end I'll just really have to wait and see.  There was a little while there I was concerned that maybe something needed to be done about it, but as of today? Things feel fine, fine, fine~.

On that note, I think maybe I'll finish this breakfast pastry that I purchased and get some water. Or finish my energy drink. Probably water though, it'd be better for me to space out the drinks just a little more...

[EDIT]

HERE. HAVE A MEME TOO. :| 

Pass a Secret Note Meme

dalekpatronus: (Reborn - Fuuuuu~❤)
Stuff and things, stuff and things~.

Again with some of those thoughts that I feel like I can't really discuss with anyone else. They come and go from time to time, so I suppose the best thing for me to do is to just let them out in a vague sort of way. Nothing too serious, I guess. Nothing that changes the way things are or how smoothly they seem to be running...

So I guess I'll just shove them back like I usually do until something makes them surface again.

The rosary for Mac is set for Tuesday night and the mass is on Wednesday morning. No news on whether they still expect me to sing for them or not. I wish I knew, that way I could make sure to avoid anything that might cause performance problems.

Clearly my brain isn't functioning properly, seeing as all I could think about right there was the innuendo that could have been behind it. Or maybe it's functioning too well. I guess it could go either way depending on who might be looking at it.

But now it that time. The time to attempt laying down since it seems like body failure is imminent~.

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