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This was not really the way I intended to spend the night. Camped out once again in front of my computer. While work was decent I think I needed some sort of gathering/fun social interaction. Any other time I would have not expected to be doing anything and someone would have planned something.
I've been going through my fake happiness again. I thought I was past that and I wanted so badly to be able to express myself when I'm feeling low. I can only do it in writing, because then it doesn't feel so real. It feels like I'm writing for someone else. Ah, the wonders of denial.
Of course I have my genuine happy moments, although they are usually brought on by a select few. Sad that only certain people can really make me feel right. The more I think about it I guess it works that way for other people, I just feel like it makes my situation that much more pathetic.
I wish I felt like I could talk to someone. Once again, it's not a lack of having someone I can trust I just don't talk. Stupid on my part I suppose. I want to be able to sit and tell someone how I feel. I want to cry without feeling ashamed and I want someone to be able to tell me that it's going to be all right. I want to stop feeling like I'm alone and stop putting up fronts. I want to be able to tell certain people exactly what I think about them.
1. I want to tell you that I thought I loved you. I'm over it now and I've managed to move on.
2. I want to tell you that you've done more for me than most people.
3. I want to tell you that you've made an impact on me. I can see that we're too much alike and I don't want to see your destruction. I don't want to see someone like me in someone so good.
4. I want to tell you that I care too much for you. I wish I could tell you that you make me smile more than anyone right now. I want to tell you just how much you mean to me.
5. I want to tell you that I hate you.
Maybe I'll be able to say all of these things one day. To all of you. The rest of you are just part of the larger picture. Not many are problems, most of you are a help. Sometimes I can't help but feel that certain people are just in the way and I just want them gone. I suppose it will all come together in the end. Or maybe it won't. Maybe I was never meant to get what I wanted, no matter what I manage to do with myself.
Maybe I don't deserve you.
I've been going through my fake happiness again. I thought I was past that and I wanted so badly to be able to express myself when I'm feeling low. I can only do it in writing, because then it doesn't feel so real. It feels like I'm writing for someone else. Ah, the wonders of denial.
Of course I have my genuine happy moments, although they are usually brought on by a select few. Sad that only certain people can really make me feel right. The more I think about it I guess it works that way for other people, I just feel like it makes my situation that much more pathetic.
I wish I felt like I could talk to someone. Once again, it's not a lack of having someone I can trust I just don't talk. Stupid on my part I suppose. I want to be able to sit and tell someone how I feel. I want to cry without feeling ashamed and I want someone to be able to tell me that it's going to be all right. I want to stop feeling like I'm alone and stop putting up fronts. I want to be able to tell certain people exactly what I think about them.
1. I want to tell you that I thought I loved you. I'm over it now and I've managed to move on.
2. I want to tell you that you've done more for me than most people.
3. I want to tell you that you've made an impact on me. I can see that we're too much alike and I don't want to see your destruction. I don't want to see someone like me in someone so good.
4. I want to tell you that I care too much for you. I wish I could tell you that you make me smile more than anyone right now. I want to tell you just how much you mean to me.
5. I want to tell you that I hate you.
Maybe I'll be able to say all of these things one day. To all of you. The rest of you are just part of the larger picture. Not many are problems, most of you are a help. Sometimes I can't help but feel that certain people are just in the way and I just want them gone. I suppose it will all come together in the end. Or maybe it won't. Maybe I was never meant to get what I wanted, no matter what I manage to do with myself.
Maybe I don't deserve you.
